Longdick Crusades

The Road So Far
  • The Mercenary company "The Longdicks" was enlisted by the king of Herid, Vaughn Baines to find the court magician who had stolen something from the castle
  • The team left the city and headed towards the woods

    • After an encounter or two, ended up in a cave inhabited by undead monsters

      • Found the magician, who killed himself in a fiery explosion
      • Found the son of the king, throat slit in front of a mirrored altar
  • The group returned to the city, encountering some bears

    • While traveling, ran into several thousands of people heading away from the city
    • Party was stopped at the city gates by guards letting no-one in or out
  • Convinced the guards to let them into the city, gates closing behind them
  • The party weaved its way through a city overrun by horrid undead

    • Made their way to the gates of the castle, guarded by Yuri and other castle guards

      • Yuri died
    • Successfully defended the city gates against a horde of undead, were allowed into the castle
  • Party rested, in anticipation of meeting the king in the morning.
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Return to Herid
Session 1

Mitchem, Jarek, Drew, Trey, Riley, and Chris

  • Met King finally inside the castle walls

    • Name: Vaughn (pussy)
  • Randell is a bitch

    • Killed himself
  •  Guard comes into mess hall and asks for help on the wall

    • Pockets of fighting pass wall
    • We are going to kill things
    •  <u>Whorricane</u><u> Katrina dies </u>

      • Got infected (ghoul AIDS), paralyzed, and bleeding out
      • “May she suck dick in the afterlife” – Jarek
    • Trey – “Crusader strike this bitch”

      • “Fuck” – Trey after he crit failed – Bane of Perseus
      • Trey falls in love with an undead ghost
      • Crit fail – Trey fucks Jarek
      • Trey finally kills something – last turn
    •  Cheem takes one for the team

      • Crit fail – sick
      • Crit fail – face plant (stunned)
      • I have an issue and need a tissue
      • Saved riley
    • Drew scorched the undead’s penises and killed them

      •  Touched the ghost again and made it disappear
      • Finally hit something and kills something
    • Riley got paralyzed and getting triple penetrated

      • Fell in love with ghost  
      • Gets up and gets fucked

        • Get punched back to sleep ( paralyzed) – double penetrated now
    • Chris finally joins the fight after the rest of the party is dead and/or dying

      • Rocking the electric Triangle and sings  
      • “Come at me bitch” (28 AC during an attack of opportunity)
      •  Ass Shot
    • Jarek smash

      • “Grog can here” – Grog
      • NATTY 20 (almost)
      • Paralyzed and issues
    • Patty is bad ass with metal arm (Bucky)

      • Patty is cheating
      • Patty is still cheating
      • Smash
      • Crit Fail – great sword gets thrown away
    • Kills

      • Drew – 3
      • Jerek – 2
      • Chris – 1
      • Patty – 2
  • Retreat to castle

    • Meet the new characters (assholes)
  • Go met with minister to talk about cave where king’s son died

    • Help with the Zombie problem
    • Get the king of the of the castle and city
  • Run up to kings chambers to get king out of city
  • Cheem stabs minister in attempt to take the Kingdom

    • Cheem

      • Fucked up
      • Minister calls a brown bear to fuck Cheem in the ass – Sir Bearington
      • Passed on floor
      • Becomes a slave to the Minister
    • Riley

      • Runs away like a Pussy
    • Trey

      • Fucks Cheem up (Cheem loses half health in one blow)
    • Drew

      • Fucks Cheem up (Fire ball)
      • Saves Cheem
  • Drew rushes the king out of his chambers
  • Trey picks up Cheem and carries him out
  • The party decides to sneak the king and the noble out of the city with the all the remaining guards in the castle

    • Cheem is no longer in the Longdicks
    • Contracts re-worked
    • “Peasant will suffer” – Patty
  • We met Chris and jerek
  • We are leaving at first light to head to the Harbor to get on a boat to get the king to safety
  • Patty bends Cheem over backwards and fucks the shit out of him
  • Cheem is killed by Minister

    • Only to be reincarnated as the Minister’s un-earthly Bitch
    • Reborn as Abed the Kobold
  • Riley contracts Ghoul fever

    • Riley seeks help from a Witch Healer
  • Jarek seeks the same help that riley does
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Escaping The Castle
That Time Cheem Got Fucked ep. 2

The Longdick Crusades

Session 2

2/25/17

Drew, Trey, Patty, GRANT!, Mitchem, Jarek, Chris

  • Nerdgasm

    • Jarek and Grant (overwatch)
  • Review of last time
  • Cheem takes a huge hit
  •  Cheem gets shit
  • The party starts to head to the dock
  • Shits about to go down
  • LOL “dead” sea (smell) LOL
  • Shit is flying at us

    • Patty starts cheating
    • Chris

      •  lays down some sick beats
      • Protects the king
      • Crit fails
      •  
    • Cheem

      • does not do anything like a bitch
      • got touch and fucked
      • dies

        • somehow still lives
      • needs a long nap
      • is not good in combat
    • Drew

      • Fucks shit up with a fireball
      • LOL jk he does half damage
      • Drew doesn’t care about us
      •  
    • Jarek

      • Hit and crit

        • Flame burst is fucking great
      • 48 damage!!!!!
      • Got a raging boner now
      • Grog has a huge dick – third leg
      • “Cuz math”

        • Jk cant do math
      • Fucks shit up
    • Grant

      • Fucking no scoped a bitch hit and crit
    • Riley

      • Fucking crit fails
      • Got too lit
    • The ghost touches all of us with its voice
    • Grog drops to the floor
    • Roger

      • Miss like a pussy dog
      • Lays down next to his master
      • Actually did something
    • Patty is still fucking cheem
    • Trey

      • Heals Grog
      • Trey smashes ghost – 25 damage
      • Saves cheem
    • Spectra kills himself
    • Kills

      • Jarek – 2
      • Drew – 2
      • Trey – 2
      • Toran – 1

         

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Cheem Saves the Day
Killing Yuri

Session 3: 4/22/17

  • Players: Chris, Cheem, Drew, Jarek, Trey, Riley
  • The crew is heading to the ship with the 60 nobles and the king

    • We left 300 people to die
  • Cheem hates everyone

    • Everyone hates cheem
  • Dome of darkness is one
  • Hour left to travel to boat
  • Shits about to happen
  •  Party comes up with a plan

    • Cheem must jump king on boat
    • The rest of the party must distract the zombies while the nobles sneak on the boat
  • Riley is going to fuck shit up

    • Jumping on buildings with Grant
  • Military zombies

    • “it’s a Trap!”
  • Captain of the Guard – Yuri

    • Riding a giant zombie dragon
    • Total bad ass
    • We fucked
  • Party vs Yuri

    • Cheem

      • Deferred turn till end

        • Might get king killed
      • Got the king to the boat
      • On a boat mother fucker
      • Saves jalil
      • Kills: 2 Including Yuri

        • Suck it Bitches
        • Saves everyone!

          • Bow down bitches!!!!!!!
    • Torrenn

      • Throws barrels at zombies
      • “run to the boat”

        • Runs away from the boat
      • Surrounded by skeletons
      • Kills: 10
    • Jalil

      • Sir Bearington to the field

        • Bearington Kills: 2
        • Bear vs dragon

          • Does damage to dragon
        • Bear gets fucked – still alive
        • Dies (sad)
    • Riley

      • Falls off a building
      • Counters a zombie
      • Grapples Yuri and fails
      • Yuri beheads riley
      • Kills: 2
    • Jarek

      • Spins and throws barrels like an Olympian
      • Rolling a barrel like a bowler
      • Leaves us to go fuck some pussy
      • Tries to save drew but fails
      • Kills: 4
    • Drew

      • Waiting to shoot fire balls

        • Jk calls down a lightning bolt on barrel
        • Fire spheres
      • Drew is going to fuck shit up

        • Lol jk does nothing
      • Crits – trips
      • Kills: 22
    • Chris

      • Shoots the fucking dragon
      • Cuts the dragon again
      • Crit fails…
      • Heals arm
      • Damn no one can touch him
      • Kills: 1
    • Trey

      • Throws barrels
      • Drew blows up barrel next to trey
      • Crit fails  

        • Black out
      • Kills: 3
    • Grant

      • Crit fails

        • Falls off building
      • Shoots Yuri – 17 damage
      • Roger fails

        • Kills: 3
        • Almost dead
        • Always finds his master
      • On the boat
    • Yuri

      • Cheating
      • Moves closer to Cheem and king
      • Jumps off zombie dragon and slashes riley with sword
      • Crit on riley

        • Almost kills riley
      • Fucking cheating
      • Kills: 1 riley
    • Zombie Dragon

      • Calls more skeleton 
      • Flys and crashes on trey
      • Destroys jarek
      • Kills: 4 (skeletons)
    • Kills

      • Drew – 24 Most kills
      • Jarek – 4
      • Trey – 6
      • Chris – 2
      • Riley – 3 Died
      • Cheem – 2 MVP – killed Yuri
      • Grant – 2
      • Experience – 2057
      • Cheem experience – 2443
    • Everybody on the boat
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